Rejection, liars, and things of that sort.

Rejection hurts. Don't lead me on. Sure we were stupid. Sure boundaries should have been set, but don't lead me on, then brush me away, and expect me to be hurt, and tell me it is just my problem. Don't keep building me up with praise only to tell me down and suddenly take that away- it sure makes me feel rejected.

Be honest with me. I am 1000% honest with you and you know that, so can't we expect the same; a little 50/50? I hate liars. I hate when I can tell you are lying on top of that. Don't expect me to forgive. Trust? Well, it is hard to earn back. It takes time, but the initial thought that I can't trust you hurts and don't think I can trust you in the same way again. You're someone I thought I could trust and trust with me is not an easy thing to earn. It takes time. It takes work. It takes understanding.

Now, now, when I need you the most you just turn away and tell me too bad. Too bad, well, that's rejection again, and it hurts.

I think we both know that I put in 1000% into this, as you did too, in the beginning. Think about all of the things I did for you- the time, effort, money, sacrifices, emotions, our support for each other. Now, when I have a problem, you choose to walk away? Well, it shows what type of person you are. You, you, who say you are there for friends in times of need. You're not.

Screw you!

Taking chances

Sometimes I feel like I'm limiting myself by being afraid to take chances.
Sometimes I am worried about the effects of the outcome more than anything.
Sometimes fear of the unknown scares me more than anything.

Being compensated

Money is a sensitive subject I know, which is why I haven't brought the issue up to my dad or mom. I am just in the planning stages and thinking this idea out, which is why I'm blogging about it. It is one of my "deep thoughts..." that needs a solution.

I sometimes get gas for my car 1-2 times a week. It is no secret that my parents pay for my gas because of all I do for them. The thing is though, I always have to wait for my dad's ATM card or him to go with me to get gas. Sometimes that means waiting until 8p.m. Wednesday night.

My parents don't make me pay a cent- the money I make from work is being put toward several things. Money for a car, money for a house, and spending money when I go out with friends (3-4 nights a week lately). My parents buy my clothes, don't make me pay rent, and I get $20 a week for lunch money; which is why I feel awkward asking for this or breaching this subject as I don't want to appear too greedy or like I am asking for too much.

I often run errands for my parents. Last night my dad called when I was at Borders asking me to bring home butter, paper cups, trash bags, and jelly. That was around $30 and it will be sometime next month when I'm reimbursed because my dad always insists on waiting until the beginning of the month to pay me because him and my mom only get paid once a month. I am already owed $20 for another trip to the store earlier this month and $50 for an unexpected gas fill up on January 6. Part of the reason I am never paid back until long after the event has passed is because my parents don't keep copious amounts of cash on them. To be reimbursed will mean me hounding my dad, asking to be reimbursed, demanding a check, and me having to go to the bank to deposit it. It isn't the easiest thing to corral him into paying.

I would like 1 of 3 things. The first to have my parents transfer in a predetermined amount to my checking account each month for me- say $150 to $200. That way I don't have to spend any of my money to pay for things like the unexpected gas trip when I am low and I don't have dad's ATM, or can't go to the gas station with him. The money will cover things like when dad needs me to run to the store for groceries. The money could be used for my many gas trips that I already make with my dad so I am not having to wait on him to go get gas and inconveniencing him.

The second would be to have access to my parents bank account via an ATM card. Let me calm your fears and say I am responsible and would only buy things I need like gas, groceries when my dad asks, and things like that. I see where this is controversial because they have significantly more in their bank account than I do and some may think I would run wild. Secondly, if the card were lost or stolen it would be a risk- I've never lost my ATM or credit card. However having an extra ATM card around increases the possibility. I don't completely embrace this idea either since there is pressure of having a lot of money in my pocket and the thought of carrying around another card.

The third option would be to have my parents write me a check monthly and I deposit it into my account- in essence the first option, but without the work on my parent's end. It may be a little extra hassle for them to write me a check at the beginning of the month and me to deposit it, but I could see this becoming more routine and would alleviate the need for me to hound my dad to go to the gas station.

I am not sure how to approach this subject with my parents because money is a sensitive issue. How do I approach this? I can't really think of a good time other than maybe sitting down at dinner saying I spent _X_ for _X_ and it took a toll on my bank account, then I didn't have enough money for _X_. I don't feel comfortable talking to my dad about this when we're alone in the car. I don't feel comfortable talking with him about this at all since he is less receptive to parting with money than my mom. Until recently he wouldn't let me have his ATM card for 10 minutes to run up to the gas station, whereas my mom has let me have hers for this for years. My mom would probably support any of the three.

I feel bad in doing this because my parents do so much and to me this makes me sound greedy. I think it is a good solution however because it won't mean me spending my money to pay for things my parents have agreed to pay for. I am not asking for additional money from my parents, just to cover things they already pay for.

Sometimes

Sometimes I have the hardest time telling people something that should be so easy or not a big deal.

Sometimes it is easier to stand up for other people, rather than yourself.

Sometimes I feel guilty for somethings I shouldn't.

Sometimes I feel guilty for not saying what I should.

Sometimes I worry that I worry too much about other people's feelings.